rubber

so why where you running?

i dont know

you dont know?

yes

do you sleep walk?

what? no!

well if you dont sleep walk and you dint know what you where doing, then it disturbs me that you were running like that

i was not out of control, i was just jogging

jogging? well that was not jogging

yes it was. all i wanted was some air you see. it was suffocating

suffocating? what in your room?

no, not the room.

i cant understand it.

well you wont be able to

let me get this. there you are running uncontrollably. wild long steps, like you were running away from the demon. then you come and fall here

i never thought i will jump into a yatch

the water?

no! i never intended to jump atll

ok. what do you do?

depends on what you call doing. is writing accounts doing?

so you write accounts?

no i do not. i just wanted to know what your defenition of doing was

well that is doing enough for me. i started with accounts. if you were not running away from the devil, what were you running away fron?

not away,no. to

to what?

things

what things?

well lot of things. things i wanted

and what did you want?

many things

well how many is this many things?

well i dont know

so you were running towards countless things?

no. no not at all. well lets say i wanted about 20 things

20? well 20 is not bad. i would have said 500

i dont know

well how many things have you had till now?

what?

you said you wanted 20 more things. but how many things have you had till now?

well how can you count them?

well you seemed to know

since i opened my eyes i have had many things. they can not be counted

well, you are not making any sense. none at all. you want 20 things that you dont have now. some you might have already had before. and you have had countless other things.

it makes perfect sense,yes

ok. maybe, yes.

how many things have you had? you seem a rich man. i suppose you own this yatch?

well yes i do. and i have had many things too. countless things. but i never needed countless things. all i needed was with me

everything?

yes here just with me

dont you feel lonely at all?

no i have my shadow

there i have switched off the light. are you lonely now?

i suppose

you are not. i am here

well yes,, but i dont own you

so you want to own things? i just wanted to have them

ah. i see. and how do you have things without owning them?

take this money. i had it. but i dont own it

you seem depressed

i am not. all i need is a little air and i will be fine

a drink?

yes. whiskey

i suppose you like to float

we are floating now

-- a bubble pops

suicde letter of a chemistry teacher

the thing is i have nothing to say. for i do nothing. for i am nothing. there is no point in writing when there is no doing or thinking. one excuse would have been the spontaneous expression you could have had, but that usually will be a cribbing.

i dont know what to do. simply i do not know. or rather i dont know what i would like to do. its easy to like many thing. for things are generally likeable, am a human. i think i am not able to love a single thing now, because things are changing too fast. what was, is gone. it had to go i know. but not so fast. not like this. i just can not remember what i did two hours back. and i do now know what to do a couple of hours later. its just emptiness.

a simple mind must think that best shot at getting your love back, any love would be a common thing. you just want to feel the love for something. so it chooses money. the most common, easy to get thing. as charlie's grandpa says, they print more everyday. so i went for it. it dint help. now i have to ponder hard. what next to go for. and i have been pondering for too long. never i had to ponder for more than a day. now months later am still here. blank. its infuriating to say the least. and frustrating and depressing at times.

i always use to think growing up was fun. i use to frown at people who claimed they dint want to grow up. you learn a lot. see a lot. but now i fully understand why one should not grow up. its tough in unexpected ways. its the expectations. yours and others. of course nothing gets said. when you a were a boy and all you wanted was a toy. and when you dint get, you get upset for two days and move on. thats what is so wonderous. that you could forgot so many things. so many people. easily. very very easily. but over the years the brain gets trained to retain things.

you see humanity is designed that way. the school teaches me to retain the hellvolhardzelensky reaction. where the cooh bond is opened up by a .. never mind. i was not properly trained. i never used to consider the past. but now when you do not know where to go, you begin to doubt. and you try to remember what had happened. how did you end up here? now when you want a thing, its a thing with high stakes. because you earn the things you wanted before have low risk. low stake. you dont want that do you?

and so i am trying to remember. and what i remember is not good. but that may be because am seeking that moment which started the rot. and every moment you remember seems to be the start of another rot. it may be not. its just the mirage of what would have actually happened. i can never be sure of that either. am just trying desperaretly to pin the responsibility on a event, rather than myself. how easy it would be is a event actually started the rot and not you? how wonderful it would be.

but after months of seeking, i have to concede defeat. its just not there. inspite of my polarized version of my past. and i always knew that you can not start to rot, unless you start to rot from within. and its so hard to accept that. i would guess thats how it is for all. i hope so. i know it is. but if that is the case, had hummanity started to rot from the moment it has bee into life?

The parasite

this was way back. when there was no equilibrium. there was all the vast darkness of the galaxy but no star bright enough to light it up. in the darkest foulest parts of the universe the conditions were slightly different. it was way colder. as a result of which the mass of rocks were different in texture. and seem to be heading towards a perfect equilibrium. one that will let it become porous enough to grow, with enough strength to withstand the weight of the a larger structure. it and grew from a mere small rock to a large porous sphere. and started to fill its porous space with the now smaller and lighter rocks nearby. and it started. to become a bigger ball of lump, without much mass and hence substance, without much purpose - a mere fantasy. and it grew and grew. and developed a tendency to get attracted to objects without need or want. gravity.

and the other rocks started to feel gravity too. they all came to life all of a sudden. and the force spread like a spiders web. and far far away the tinniest of rock couldn't resist the temptation. it started hurling towards the center of the force. no it did not want the other rocks with the force. it wasted the force itself. the source of the force. and without knowing where it was and what it was it kept hurling. and lo, one fine second it felt force like it had never done. and it hurled itself towards the force but through all the time of wandering, from whence it found about the force, the force itself had changed. it had tried to establish an equilibrium with the entire galaxy. and had parted with all its energy to form a single bright star. bright enough to beat the darkness at least.

in the process of establishing equilibrium, it felt the need to experiment. and when evolution decides to experiment, well there is no telling. and had developed parasites. parasites that were to be controlled by the force itself, to maintain the equilibrium. but the parasites evolved. evolved into something of its own, beyond the control of the force. and it latched onto force's force and tried to become stronger. it had latched onto it and created enough heat to melt a single drop of water from the force. and when the force melted into water, there was huge explosion of power that the parasite got decimated. and its smaller pieces latched onto the force, without force knowing.

and life evolved. the force had contrived to establish equilibrium all over the universe, but had contrived to loose itself and let all hell break loose. the smallest bits of parasite had evolved into living walking creatures. creatures beyond any control. the ultimate parasite. not predictable. destructs without need nor want.

after eons of time, since the small rock started a journey with far reaching consequences. it had started evolution as we know today. and after all these years we are soon to be what it once was. to become a bigger ball of lump, without much mass and hence substance, without much purpose - a mere fantasy. mere human.

and soon we will complete the first stage of evolution. the first of the many vicious cycles. where the idea of equilibrium is forgotten. when the universe will go back to that dark, lifeless, spaceless and massless idea. till then we may do what were taught to do. leach on and live. destroy the host and live. kill and destroy without need not want. after all, we are never to blame.

free

chuma

the minister was away on vacation. he had just won back his dead king's land, and restored it to its rightful owner- the 18 old year prince. the next day the prince announced- here after no man in this country can posses any money,house or any such physical entity. he shall live poor and all subjects shall be treated equally.

when the minister heard this he rushed back his capital.. king what have you done? the young king smiled. minister, i wanted to create the ideal kingdom ever. by passing this order i shall unite all the people against me. and there shall be an uprising, at the end of which humanity and modern ideas will prevail. when the people rule themselves and shall be equal and happy. i am ready to sacrifice. the minister was quiet for a minute. then he facepalmed and  shouted to the group near by- which idiot got the prince some ganja?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
childhood rymes-

standing under a tree
sound of the scooter's motor
wind and bird, song and shoe
a stack of hay fell on my head

walking down the metro station
mind as blank as my bank balance
a deserted desert,a sudden realization
a stack of hay fell on my head

a cap on my head,a gum in my mouth
chewing and gnawing,sleeping and walking
red lights crossed,stopped at green
grey and hot, black and wet
a stack of hay fell on my head

standing nowhere, looking every where
go where i must? be where i must?
picking up all that hay,dry and dead
where do i stack them and how?
for they are dead and can not be stacked
and a stack of hay fell on my head
and for the first time i heard the sound
the cry of the nest's mother
dead before alive,shell and hay

free

still here yes

we used to write here i believe. i dont know if we can count our selves alive just because we are not dead. not just yet. breaking point. yes we have broken it and then we see that the point was just the end of a long thin stick.everything is in 3d these days. even the chart we make for those huge bad ass comapnies. we are broken too. oh yes. just about perfect. there seem to be like ..wait..one rendu muunu..yes three rooms that seem to be all there is. it feels like the center of earth, when the earth is the center of the universe and so on. i once had an idea that if life was confined to a small part of a land, there would much more happiness. or rather lesser things. so these three rooms. some bottles. infact loads. leaves. speakers. beard. and in that process lost what was to be preserved. it doesnt help that there are a grand total of three people that i know here in this shit place. but after drilling to the centre of the my world, which is a plain white waterless abyss.. i might just have to dig a bit deeper to break down to the other side of the world- the heaven. till then we shall keep pressing the end key on the keyboard, instead of using the mouse. we shall wait then, shall we? also write you bad ass people.

free

biography of a dead friend

s was a good friend. he was quite normal. maybe he was in self absorbed delusion all the time. but thats normal right?

s was also abnormal. he himself was never sure why he was so. his problem was simple. he just thought too fast. he never knew why. as someone spoke the words he would have already known all possible situations and outcomes. he was quite fast that he used to surprise himself.  as the teacher wrote the problem on board, he would have known the program to key in. this made things ridiculously easy and he was never interested in much things. it made him a bad person. because of his boeing mind, he used to overlook things and let his mind take off to unknown island of thoughts.and imagine a whole new world. so he made mistakes. he foresaw it. but by that time, his mind had shifted to something else- by the time the situation he had thought through became reality, he would have forgotten thinking about it. he would made some obvious mistakes he knew would happen and would have reminded his mind not to make. but now the mind was some where else. he could never concentrate on a single thing at a time. he was a bad person overall.

his fast mind lost him his youth.he had already lived his youth when he five and six. he had never looked or behaved his age. this also made him angry,irritated & frustrated. as a kid he used to do something. when his appa went off to office and his mother had taken a afternoon nap- he would take that day's newspaper and start tearing it into small small pieces. he used to lie every time he made a mistake. because he knew what was going to happen. it made him a bad kid. when his aunt caught him and his cousin with dirty broom sticks, he knew he was in trouble and within a nano second he would cook up a lie and get away. no one got this part about him.years later he lamented this fact. but his parents knew something was wrong. they took him to auroville. there a french doctor took care of him. she was very gentle was able to instill some sort of control over his mind. his teachers there were quite surprised. he knew so much at such a young age. but he could never pass any exam. they tried to teach him yoga to control his mind. dint work. he couldnt keep his mind a clean slate even for a second.

he used to make mistakes. because when he did something he dint think about it. he had already thought about it but it was forgotten. he had a bad bad memory. but alas it was fast. it lost him this one girl who almost understood him. but i couldnt pity him at any point. he used to quarell with anyone around him when he made mistakes. because he was frustrated. he couldnt understand it was human to make mistakes. he was not a human most of the times. he would never listen to you. you would have wanted to share some worry with him. but his mind would have wandered out some where else. i dont know if i can blame him for that. he used to speak a lot because he use to think a lot. and he would speak as he would think.

overall he was a bad friend. when he moved out of a city he used to forget  the city and its people. only ever if he needed something he would remember them. even when he was full of himself he never opened up to anyone. because he was thinking of something else. but there come a stage when he was 10th and no school would take him for 11th. because he never did anything in school. he failed all the exams. but his teachers knew he had learnt what they thought him. eventually some school took him in. there was a good teacher there. he failed her first paper. she somehow understood him. she told himt he will have to take extra classes. he was forced to. but there she never thought him what the cbse wanted her to. she just talked to him. and it helped. for the first time he recognized what he was. he found wonderful friends there. he was changing. and it was bloody difficult. he couldnt control his mind. not yet.

he tunred to the hafflinfgs leaves. even the fulllings. he learnt for the first time he could slow down his mind. just about a bit. he became a chain smoker. people used to scold him for that. but he dint care. he started working and he was for the first time able to concentrate. on a single thing. just for about a minute. but this an improvement right? he still was making mistakes. here too it will take his team guys time to understand him. and by that time he would have moved on and forgotten them. and them him. he used to smoke and one minute after that he would be able to think of just one thing. his mind worked slow and normal. and then that one minute was gone and he was himself again. making mistakes. and then hate himself for that.

yesterday i was drinking with him.for the first time he accepted all this. he lameneted his life. and then he got hit by something heavy moving vehicle. he was hit badly and struggling for life. i knew it. there was so much blood. and i knew his mind would still be thinking about something. it was short circuiting.  suffering. and i knew i should not save him. he had suffered a lot already. like a movie character in a time travel, where he had to die young. because there are always reasons which you can never know about. he might have known. and forgotten. and as he lay bleeding on the NH-8 i left him there and walked back home. a crowd had gathered and he was taken to a hospital. he is just about alive. but i hope with all my heart that he dies. and be in peace at last. for once his mind should have no thoughts in it. just blank. but i have hoped for lot of things for him and it had never happened. i am sure he will be back. i just hope he would have changed by then.

free

adapongasaar

wonder how people keep on writing... what a mokkai life that is.. just keep thinking and writing.. or as in most cases, write without thinking. precisely what i am doing.. so let me start with things familiar

the last year or so. never had this unhealthy a life style in these 22 years. and this is because everything feels pointless. a year back i never had any money, and used to travel in general to most of the places. it might been out of choice but still. and today without second thought i book flight to go to chennai. dead feeling only.

but on the bright side-chennai. its been six years i have been away. and it doesnt chance at all. except for one or two one ways in pondy bazar. of course the brilliant kaiyendhi is gone.but i hope the other places are still there. the ratna cafe. rayar cafe. the pakoda shops i go to. the chaat shops. also i havent been home since diwali. and i was given off since they told me i cant take off till september. drrr only.

totally settled with the team,job and all. just not with few things in the company. i know i have been totally interesting til now, but i dint mean to be.

am yes camera. i was wondering why i brought it at all. i dint want to use auto mode and it took me time to use it in manual mode. i was so comfortable with my old point and shoot. but now after a few trips i guess me and the camera understand each other. and now that i can understand the colors, this camera feels much more powerful. especially given my love for low light photos, this camera is now awesome.

close to eight months and i still dont know much people in delhi. so its sort of boring. i mean sit with the same people for 10 hours a day. then week end also roam with them. they are fun and nice. but still it would be nice to go out places in delhi, which you can do only if someone else comes along. worshtu situation.

and this being the first summer in job, it sucks. i want my two months off!! fuckers. and also am loving the quitting cycle that is going on. it happens every summer. no promised promotion blah blah, so they quit just to dive into another shit hole. i feel all the shit holes are same. how is an indian's shit different from a brazillian one? its all shit in the end.

arsenal. sigh. but still love you ma. doesnt matter if we get relegated. just that its frustrating when you guys are so good and still dont do it. its ok i guess.

that would be it. the end of this really interesting microscopic piece on a decaying human life writing in poetic english.

free

yooo do right

me is very very happy these days. less work. more play.and going around. also i have not touched the shutter for long. so tried different things. they dint work out like i thought they would, but worked in some other way.

so album 1-just smoke light and waves.here
album 2- kuchi did this but the same theme- can you make out anything from this?

free

juju

There stood he.. On the top of the tallest mount on the white
blanketed terrain..he was faceless.. Even formless.. Hmm.. Whats the
glow that illuminates thy heart.. It’s the spirit.. The spirit of
humanity.. He seems restless like a human..searching for "nothing"..
Something great.. It overflows..for it cannot be contained in
faceless..formless life.

And thus the great, perpetual, eventual journey began. They flew.. The
white terrain longingly coo's for them.. Grudgingly letting go of
them.. Then came the fresh..greeny blanket.. Its like the journey from
the abyss to the base.. Its good to feel this.. This feeling which is
always elusive like anything that is ideal.. The blanket loses it
charm below.. It’s a bit boring..dull….annoying..now.. I had not hoped
for this.. It represents everything that disappoints.. Yes and angry
at it now.. There is blood all over the terrain.. And its hot.. Damn
hot now.. Like the fury of  Mrs.Durga Parameswari.. Is unbearable..
It’s the feeling of falling in an abyss that is worse than the one
which is felt at the abyss.. But it is not infinite.. After all, its
not as good as an NP Hard problem.. I mean the longevity of the
abyss.. It ends .. And how.. In style.. Sorry not style
but..ahuh..ahuh..decile.. It slowly ends.. Climbing through the ladder
of decile.. Low.. The terrain is now a tinge of orangy maroon..
Medium.. Its golden brown… High it’s the colour of deciduous leaves..
Hence the spirit wandered and became as happy as vinayak to find the
white blankets..

There was only one person, they said, who might know everyone else in
the blankets.. They called him something like "god" or "gawd" or
something like that.. Ah chuck it.. He was back… or he thought so..
But the omniknowent, all-present person of the blankets.. Knew .. Yes
he truly knew.. That everyone in the blankets is part of a complexer
than "shutter island", "inception" type of thing..
He knew that those who went out were the ones who come in..

It was seasonal indeed.. The spirit felt the home.. The faceless,
formless state was back..it was a chowk, you turn left.. You are back
there .. You turn right.. You are right back there..

There is no central defence for me to defend why I wrote this. I can
just say that my midfielders plying their trade between my mind and
body have been breached..and the fortress of this heart is broken
down.. And the spirit like heart-break shock.. Found out the
truth..its break enlightened it with the new spaces available even
though there is no garbage collection..  My strikers have finessed
myself to learn this art of ineffectively commuting the thoughts to
motion  and coherent, inherent,intelligent,brilliant flow of words
which anyways ineffectively portraying what was thought to be
conveyed.. I hope I havent left back any of the footballing positions
coz ashley will be sulkier than he is..  Now that’s my field and
nobody can breach me … Ha.. But I am missing the point here.. Yes the
heart-break-shock-like revelation. That it’s a cycle.. The white
terrain. The plush greeny blanket..The bloody red terrain.. The golden
brown terrain.. The faceless,formless dispenses these colours at some
stage or the other.. It does multitasking too.. Hence the colorful
world.. And such colorful minds.. I am happy now that I know what I
really know and what I don’t.. That everything is a
cycle..seasonal..unperpetual.. Elliptical..you can go out and you can
come in.. But you can never leave..


--
Regards,

His highness

ps- mail

like a rolling weed

feeling old is not bad. not at all. ask a bottle of wine. infact alcohol and history are the only things that might feel proud that they are old. hey infact remember one guy who might. an grand old italian who fucks nymphets. mr.owner of ac-fucking rich in history club-milan.mr ac milan ownder, italian prescendto as they say italian. sema gethu intro one fat chubby sappai thoppai guy- i present to you mr. berscloni. i dont know his name properly. so this is how i spell it. so scratch it. feeling old is bad. i am old. oh look the top hollywood actress is worried her aging might reduce her change of acting with zack effron or who ever it is. boo hoo

the problem with being old? random friends add you on facbook. with a dad in bank, i shift every three year. and i shift schools and friends. so some 3rd standard friend adds you on facebook. check mutual friends. you recognise the two people in his friendlist. guys who were before and after your roll call. so you add this who are you mr.3rd standard friend.periya mairu mathiri whaddup dood-nu he will wall. you talk and say lets meet. still you cant recall when you studied with him. and sight adichifed with  the english mam. anglo inidan she was. 3rd standard. fuck no i wasnt that bad then.


so you go to meet him. you wait for him to make the intro. coz you still dont know when you studied with him you see. if he asks hows job-you narrow down him to your schools you studied till you where in 8th. when he says hows college- he is 8 th to 12th school. coz he is still studying. if you know what i mean. if he asks hows your brother- narrow him down to below 2nd standard school. after bucketing the schools, he will say remember this x standard girl. and boom you get when he studied with him. instead if he asks hows your wife. move away. you are the wrong guy.

-------------------------

office is like, well office. so i get up 8am daily. 8.15 if there was a mid-week arsenal match. office near by- so 15mins walk. and i stay there 11pm. yeah more than 12 hours. the whole fucking month. so much work keeps on piling. hey you are new, so someone has to explain before you get started. hey server is fucking slow. previous server was fast. it was called free-. no they shifted to a shitty server. its name is 10 digit alpha standard code. i hate standard. 

so i go there, have lunch, have dinner,still work. late night cab. oc from office. and reach home by 11.30 ish in the night. then i roll weed and sleep off. of course i spoke it before sleeping. i could roll weed and not smoke it and sleep. you can get confused. so i had to explain all right.

averagely i finish four potalams of weed. pottalam means pockets. weekends again totall sloshed. fuck alocohol. i dont drink these days. smoke weed whole week end, see some movies and matches. and then the routine which i clarified above.  this is week end. and am typing this. so you can infer. infact dont read between the lines. dont judge. fuckers.

so i thought hard and decided. job makes no economical sense, thanks to the fucking company policy. i hate gurgaon. all my life i was worried. that i kept on moving places i would never know where my heart and peace lay in. i roamed a lot and decided that i never belong to one place. but now i know. am going back to chennai. so i want money. or less work. and i got companies like that. so am quiting. quiting my first job. without a second job in hand. hey but who cares. my dad said that i worked for a year, then i can quit and travel all the time. eh would give 3k every month. good enough deal for me.

last summer i went around a lot. college over. job in hand. so we were in that best trip of my life- keala trip. without any bounds. andthen our fcuking company called us and trip ended abruptly. i had written down places in sequential order, places to visit on my ipod. everytime i visited the place on the list, i delete the place from that list. i formatted my ipod twice since then. but i still have that list.half full. i guess its time to take it out and finish it. looks like i might be getting my summer vacation after all, something i have been used since i was a kid. i really thought i suited in this corporate shit world. i still think i do. i just dont like it. fuck you. and bye

free- after a real long time. i stopped saying that after i started job. so free.free and free

free

the system

i have not posted anything here for long. just dint want to rant and be done.but...

if you let me i can rant about my job all day long. and night too. i can also tell you how lucky i am in most aspects of the this whole job thing. but its the same with everyone no? i think so. there is no way i could write something interesting here. infact there is nothing to write. which is a very rare case. which also means i have a lot to say and no one who would listen to. why would they? i wish that when you read through now, your ear drums sense vibrations, but cant make out the sound. its close to six months since i started working. half term report? its not bad. nor good. its just there. just like us humans.

i guess i have never tried for anything. like properly. putting my heart soul blood and semen into something. school was just like breeze. some how i passed. 11th was the first kick. preview of what i was going to see for rest of my life. dav gopalapuram in our day meant one of the best schools in chennai. full of these geeks nerds genius and some wonderful beings. being one of the few in my class who dint go for iit class, being the in the last 10 in my school when the 12th board results came out..well it was the first time i dint fit in somewhere but enjoyed a lot. so many of my class mates ended in good colleges. iits nits and all such shit. now they are in a real good job or in the usa studying. in short i was in the best micro-sphere in the system. that summer one of my friends who had ended up in iit said, i hate myself da. i let the system take over me and plant an idea in my brain that making it to the iit was the best thing you could. i was very happy that i dint have the drive or work ethic to get into iit. or any other college. mid august 2006 i was without a college. my friends had gone by then. one by one. i was in all those treats. happy to gobble free food.

college again i had no idea how i passed. first year i had 12 papers. i flunked half of them. the only thing my parents demanded when i went college was that i pass college in four years. nothing more. fair enough. with all that i owe them at least this feelings, i worked a bit. i wrote 11 papers in a go. most of the time consecutive days, sometimes one in morning and then another in afternoon. i passes them all. since then i never kept a back. when i got out of college i was so happy. happy that i dint get that success bit, in terms of what the system thought was good. those were the best days. from may 2010 when i finished my college to sep when i started work.

i smoked weed with guys i just met in blore, on the streets we sat on the platform outside that forum mall and rolled, got caught by police. i roamed chennai like a mad man.fort st george. george town. egmore. washermenpet. plays. concerts. even debates and poetry circle meetings.trekking. i called my friend and told him that we are leaving for kerala. no timeline plan or budget. best trip that. and then called another and another simple trip. hampi. here and there. mysore blore and all. general compartment. no idea what to do next. no worries. ah

you know the worst part of my job? its the people i work in. no they are all wonderful people. just that they are all either iit guys or from top mba schools. 20 in my team. only three are non-iit. one of the tree is fms topper. you see unwittingly i have joined the same group of people i was happy i was not a part of. somehow i dint think of all that when i started. for the first time i got  real drive in my life. wanting to succeed. that i wanted to show them- the guys who the system made out to be successful, that i am as good as them if not better. so i worked. four months i was there. if not better i was equal to those guys. yes i know that. once they were sitting in the cafeteria speaking about me thinking i was not there. i guess they never knew i heard them. one fine morning after i wrote down some logic for my team mate he asked with genuine frustration-how did you not make to the iit man? best fucking feeling. that i am not him.

i like this job from work perspective. analytics and consultancy. servicing pharma companies. not a regular look it up in google and paste it in the .net screen job. no technology here. good team. they let me do stuff and experiment. i mean guys 2 3 level up the hierarchy they work like equal. and then i realized today. i made sure i never worked so that i beat the system. and then when the moment came-like the hardest test i caved in. i wanted to show the system how good i was and hence i am the system now. death.

so from a philosophical point of view which actually is shit, i hate the job. going by the parameters the system has projected to be good am happy. just the salary part. but have to wait till summer for that. patience. you know the worst part about living in delhi? i know no one here.am averaging 11 hours a day and touching 12 now. and then week end i hangout with the same guys again. sick na. what to do.and seeing so many people am sort of partially happy that i never got into this girl shit. my weight and annoyingness apart- it would have complicated an otherwise simple life. dear lord. just like that felt like typing out something. and i see so many of you are finishing college or school. so happy all you are. i was too. six room mates and five placed in same company. but fate fucked us. juju my room mate of four years is still my room mate. kuchi that crazy fucker who used to listen to so much metal with me, is in kolkata. sisir the baba bastard is in pune. soori that otai kaalu is in chennai. hari in mumbai. sridhar in pune. in short we are scattered all over. to think that i was so happy that we were all placed in the same company, the first company that came to out college. fuck. i never like talking over phone so i hardly speak to them, but fuck i miss them. four years together-hardly went college so 24 hours with them only. and more than them i miss chennai. that little mylapore house and the marghazhi pongal. amma's sapadu. my tongue is dead with this roti thing daily. four years in raipur and i thought i could after that get good food again. but no. but above  all its been five since i lived with my parents and bro. i miss my amma above all. and her besibelabaath.thu

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wow and waatha

the wow-
my first and biggest celeb crush. natalie portman. and then swan lake. and then kunis. and then..ok free.
i thought the last three years hollywood has been pretty shitty. lesser drama movies. like good ones. so such a gethu movie after long appears even more gethu. the movie is black swan. the music. the story telling. the camera. and above all natalie. the acting and the matter scene. waatha. fuck viagra. after long a good movie.

and the waatha-
the lappy of five years is back again. yet another birth. had to replace motherboard which means quarter salary fucked there itself. and then the kasauli trip. drr only. then people quiting my team left and right. slightly sad about the people leaving. good people. and the lappy guy formatted my hard disk without asking.! thevdiya. five years of photos all gone. but it is also good. last three months photos are like shit. when i was going to get dslr itself many warned that transition is usually shitty. you worry about the settings all the time and you forget the picture. now i am getting to know how the camera feels. like how the color translates and all. even small change in settings blows out so still learning. hopefully from now on atleast decent pics. its a bad month on money front. as always. bloody cant believe its been four months since i started working.

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ah

who can we blame for attraction? at each point - the other. you can always blame someone for repulsion on the whole. but attraction? now i wonder how much blame can a living thing take? they always blame the living thing. arrogant? maybe sir. they think that we did create the non living stuff so we are to blame. do non living things have no character as such? are we flawed, basically to presume mostly that the stone has no feelings. are young girls of 12 actually correct in loving their huge ass teddy bear they boy friend got for them. yeah shit like that seems to be happening. my nephew says so. anyways can i blame grief here? is it just the grief that attracts me? or is it the effect of grief on the human that attracts me? am sure its not just the human. confirmed dear sir.

am i evil?  just because i dont contain thoughts and type it in the safe knowledge that no one and everyone will read? i am fascinated my grief. and how people react to it. more than desperation or any other human feeling i know of grief seems most interesting. specially when i know the person quite well. am i wishing bad things over you poor souls. even if i did does it matter? do you actually believe that grief will be upon you just because i wish to see how long you would use it as a cloak? i cant tell you that. i cant tell you many things. but other things i can tell. safely in the knowledge that we will never meet. and its sort of even more fun when you are conscious that am observing you when oh the great tragedy does strike.

i cant actually quite remember when i started observing this whole thing. the family being big and oldies avg hitting 90 , deaths are but another full meals with you cousins , playing and a sweet day of school bunked. what we, 10 year old kids, supposed to make out of 50 year old women crying out? or two 30 year men fighting for land just after cremating the body. thankfully all this was not my immediate family. thats what is irritating. they are not even my immediate family and yet i am there after their deaths.but i remember the particular case where it was just fascinating to watch them all. my dad's uncles death. i remember a certain akka who i had never known till then sit and tell about her beloved thatha's. and since that night she became very dear to me. we started writing letters. i guess at that age i had known nothing. i guess i still know nothing. am just trying to infer. and i am sure i would infer it differently when i am old. for i have come to see when you are old you tend to defend your self (more than now) . defend what you have done and how you have done. as of now i cant fathom why the oldies feel bad about the bad they have done. we are as we are. what ever you say i am that was i am. and more. and less. so it makes no sense to feel bad about that bad. bad about the grief that has come to be. because or not because of you. either way it matters and it doesnt. do we really need to vindicate to atleast one soul what we have done. what we have come to be and what other have come to be because of us?

both my grand fathers are 90 above and still walking. my maternal grand ma died when i was in 6th. i am always surprised by very few flashes of memory i have. memory that are vivid and detailed . where i remember everything. or atleast what i consider to be everything. i think i remember the day i cycled that small tri cycle when i was a kid with a neighborhood kid in bhopal. i think i remember the scene when i saw my brother for the first time as a new born kid in the hospital in pondicherry. and the next day as my appa drove me to the hospital on that saturday morning to take food, as we cross a small bridge under which runs the back water, announcing to a delighted me that my brother will carry the sister's name in addition to the name they had chose for him, the sister i so desperately wanted back then but never got. and i can tell for sure i can remember vividly the ten days after my beloved paati's death. my youngest unlce who had married just three days before. a perfect happy arranged marriage. my new aunt who was crying. crying i guess because she would be blamed as the harvester of sorrow. the same uncle who sat near my paati's feet silent for a moment or two. and then the bowed head covered by the two fingers, a thumb and index. trying to plug the tears that flowed down anyway. silly humans. they think they can control every thing. the flow of the river. the tide of the sea. and still the tears drop. snigger

after my grandma died, my grandfather came to live with us. we shared a bed room. though the memories are not that vivid , i do remember a lot from that time. as he prays every single morning, after singing the pallandu..praying aloud that every family member of his should be blessed. every member of the family spelled out and a customized request for that fella. how lucky.  it would seem more like a order than a prayer. order from a man who thinks that the lord has taken every thing and owes him some. you should listen to him trying to leverage, trying to convince the lord that all the grief that has been hauled on him be converted into blessing for his children and grand children. and promptly his eldest son committed suicide in a year. is it the old man. i dont think so.  but he hasnt given up. not yet. my dear thatha. he feels he has more to leverage now that more grief has been bestowed upon him. his tune has changed of late. he has started bargaining for death. by the looks of it, his prayers are not going to be answered any soon. 95  and he still walks to the mathala narayanan street in the morning to buy those fresh hot keerai bakodas.

i love walking with him to the bakoda shop. carefully taking one step at a time. walking slowly like a year old kid. still the firmness. that belief that he will eventually win the bargain. i always love walking with old people. that calmness. pah. i also love walking with a year old kids. as they walk seeing most things for the first time. too amazed to make any sound. somehow i have come to think that grief is the most purest of human feelings. now the usual i dont get enough salary or macha she loves some body else rants. pure unadulterated grief.

the other set of grand parents live in the apartment below us. joint family shit. my other grand father is quite different. he is above 90 too. but a man of god and stars. his body not having tasted onion or garlic. who is a greatest optimist. i love talking to him. its been long.

and when you are fascinated by grief, the bottle and the milk come about. if a man says the white liquid in the bottle is milk , he is correct. i realised it a bit too late. thankfully nothing much. yes there were, lets say a couple of instances where i milked. just to get to know how they reacted to it.  the thing is even after the confidence part i never comforted them. that would have made me a criminal. but since then i have stayed away from people. most of them. i have never been able to sympathize much. greatest weakness? perhaps. nah actually am sure they are more glaring flaws. an hour back my amma called. my dad's eldest brother passes away. into what ma  i wanted to ask. she lamented for the two unmarried daughters he has left behind. all say we came with nothing and we take nothing. true. but we leave an awful lot behind. and as my peripa is waiting for the boat man and the wood, my mind goes back to the old big green house which was surrounded by trees and a had a great big oonjal in the center of the living room. the sleepy madras and the silent mylapore. and i once again after so many years, am attracted to humans. i just want to go see my grand parents, my aunts and uncles. the two cousins who might be termed as left behinds. my amma stressed , dei peripa theetu da, take head bath tomorrow. marakama thalaiku kuli. i wonder how it would be when i feel pure grief. will it give us the right to get close again to all those who we have avoided, lest we be termed the harvester of grief. is grief the most valuable and leveragable human feelings of all?

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