the system

i have not posted anything here for long. just dint want to rant and be done.but...

if you let me i can rant about my job all day long. and night too. i can also tell you how lucky i am in most aspects of the this whole job thing. but its the same with everyone no? i think so. there is no way i could write something interesting here. infact there is nothing to write. which is a very rare case. which also means i have a lot to say and no one who would listen to. why would they? i wish that when you read through now, your ear drums sense vibrations, but cant make out the sound. its close to six months since i started working. half term report? its not bad. nor good. its just there. just like us humans.

i guess i have never tried for anything. like properly. putting my heart soul blood and semen into something. school was just like breeze. some how i passed. 11th was the first kick. preview of what i was going to see for rest of my life. dav gopalapuram in our day meant one of the best schools in chennai. full of these geeks nerds genius and some wonderful beings. being one of the few in my class who dint go for iit class, being the in the last 10 in my school when the 12th board results came out..well it was the first time i dint fit in somewhere but enjoyed a lot. so many of my class mates ended in good colleges. iits nits and all such shit. now they are in a real good job or in the usa studying. in short i was in the best micro-sphere in the system. that summer one of my friends who had ended up in iit said, i hate myself da. i let the system take over me and plant an idea in my brain that making it to the iit was the best thing you could. i was very happy that i dint have the drive or work ethic to get into iit. or any other college. mid august 2006 i was without a college. my friends had gone by then. one by one. i was in all those treats. happy to gobble free food.

college again i had no idea how i passed. first year i had 12 papers. i flunked half of them. the only thing my parents demanded when i went college was that i pass college in four years. nothing more. fair enough. with all that i owe them at least this feelings, i worked a bit. i wrote 11 papers in a go. most of the time consecutive days, sometimes one in morning and then another in afternoon. i passes them all. since then i never kept a back. when i got out of college i was so happy. happy that i dint get that success bit, in terms of what the system thought was good. those were the best days. from may 2010 when i finished my college to sep when i started work.

i smoked weed with guys i just met in blore, on the streets we sat on the platform outside that forum mall and rolled, got caught by police. i roamed chennai like a mad man.fort st george. george town. egmore. washermenpet. plays. concerts. even debates and poetry circle meetings.trekking. i called my friend and told him that we are leaving for kerala. no timeline plan or budget. best trip that. and then called another and another simple trip. hampi. here and there. mysore blore and all. general compartment. no idea what to do next. no worries. ah

you know the worst part of my job? its the people i work in. no they are all wonderful people. just that they are all either iit guys or from top mba schools. 20 in my team. only three are non-iit. one of the tree is fms topper. you see unwittingly i have joined the same group of people i was happy i was not a part of. somehow i dint think of all that when i started. for the first time i got  real drive in my life. wanting to succeed. that i wanted to show them- the guys who the system made out to be successful, that i am as good as them if not better. so i worked. four months i was there. if not better i was equal to those guys. yes i know that. once they were sitting in the cafeteria speaking about me thinking i was not there. i guess they never knew i heard them. one fine morning after i wrote down some logic for my team mate he asked with genuine frustration-how did you not make to the iit man? best fucking feeling. that i am not him.

i like this job from work perspective. analytics and consultancy. servicing pharma companies. not a regular look it up in google and paste it in the .net screen job. no technology here. good team. they let me do stuff and experiment. i mean guys 2 3 level up the hierarchy they work like equal. and then i realized today. i made sure i never worked so that i beat the system. and then when the moment came-like the hardest test i caved in. i wanted to show the system how good i was and hence i am the system now. death.

so from a philosophical point of view which actually is shit, i hate the job. going by the parameters the system has projected to be good am happy. just the salary part. but have to wait till summer for that. patience. you know the worst part about living in delhi? i know no one here.am averaging 11 hours a day and touching 12 now. and then week end i hangout with the same guys again. sick na. what to do.and seeing so many people am sort of partially happy that i never got into this girl shit. my weight and annoyingness apart- it would have complicated an otherwise simple life. dear lord. just like that felt like typing out something. and i see so many of you are finishing college or school. so happy all you are. i was too. six room mates and five placed in same company. but fate fucked us. juju my room mate of four years is still my room mate. kuchi that crazy fucker who used to listen to so much metal with me, is in kolkata. sisir the baba bastard is in pune. soori that otai kaalu is in chennai. hari in mumbai. sridhar in pune. in short we are scattered all over. to think that i was so happy that we were all placed in the same company, the first company that came to out college. fuck. i never like talking over phone so i hardly speak to them, but fuck i miss them. four years together-hardly went college so 24 hours with them only. and more than them i miss chennai. that little mylapore house and the marghazhi pongal. amma's sapadu. my tongue is dead with this roti thing daily. four years in raipur and i thought i could after that get good food again. but no. but above  all its been five since i lived with my parents and bro. i miss my amma above all. and her besibelabaath.thu



Srishti said...

I LOVED THIS POST!! Haha, 'how did you not make it to the iit?' I felt so good when I read that, haha!
So cool, I tell you.
Very, very cool.

'My tongue is dead with that roti thing daily.' Haha, that made me crack up! xD

How is Delhi treating you , otherwise?

Saya said...

Nice long post after so long. Someone was supposed to ping/call me when in Chennai to vasool pannify a treat???

soin said...

@srishti.. delhi ok.gurgaon bad.

@saya..and that someone has not been to chennai since he left it.free

relativelytruthful said...

i think you have had a good life.