does it matter if its soft or harsh. or both. a bit of hair. i never knew.  you see these i am not it and i will be full of black. there are others too. it would be criminal not to consider exceptions. for they form a group among them. and there are more exceptions. so the original group to whom the exceptions were formed are exceptions again. i don't want exceptions. there was once a time when i wanted the exceptions. i wonder if it was some intellectual shit which drove me then. i shall assure you i am rid of such shit. all i want is my polar.  but then i thought i had learnt. learnt enough. not to. i have to confess i find the younger ones irritating. i have been reading of late. a bit. usually i wake up . job. and get high in the nights. i think i forgot how it feels how it is to be just it. no weed or rum or even ciggs. just like that. i was like that for 21 years. i shall be brave here. its not the job. it might be the money. but then its just another excuse. as i was broke yesterday, i emptied my ashtray , picked up the not fully smoked ciggs and lighted them again. rebirth. i believe in it. and am capable of it too apparently. anyways i have been reading. myth and history fascinate me. so i read about shiva, angels and more. and then i remembered the dear reader's recommendations. so when i had just 300 for the last week of this December, i went and got lolita for 150. i guess the rest 150 would have gone up in ashes. bring it back. and as i read lolita the tracks were being layed. one of awe at the sheer lyrical quality and the thought process. and another of pure disgust. no its not about morality. just that how can he falls for that young a girl. they are irritating. so as i read a parallel version with me and an older women in it was written. no not the next door aunty type older women. just a year or two above me (juju if you read this, i promise that none of the women in our office even enter my mind. disgust.) anyways the shrill-ness in the females voice irritates me. as they grow it wanes. maybe not. lets not smoke the exceptions again. the thing is, at 21 to 22 the shrillness goes down. hence i prefer the 24 year female. i the old about to die oldie of 22 . i am confused. i never knew whether the hottie or the intellect. first i have had neither. second it seems like too much unwanted effort , just to gauge this. its been four months in the job. and now i fully appreciate the female brain. i mean just the perspective. am not talking of gossips and kind. just the angle of thinking when we approach a job related problem you know. the influence is clear. i declare that now i will prefer a girlish girl rather than the black wearing tom boy types, which i preferred yesterday. but then i prefer the pink today. ok maybe not pink. but the bright colors. but then tomorrow is a different year. a lot happens in a year. next i shall get catcher in the rye.

is it even worth a fucking dime? its my turn to ask the questions. no shut up. you cant answer. dare not. i know you are never going to be correct.  now you can not ask me if there is an answer at all. like i said dont open your mouth. you could always go on. at least i could. of course i dont want to. because you dear dead people of the living, wont be reading till here. i presume so. for this is not insane. its the insane which is good to read. of course i am saen.  now at this point i want like to say something groovy. like say i will join some really weird facebook groups. you know just to make sure that you dear dead dont think am of the mushy kind who joins the groups like i love my mommy on facebook. at this point am irritated. friends. or alteast some part of them. they are tagging millions of people on photos which say happy new year. the same people who would think simon and garfunkel are my lawyers or something. ok that is lifted. i wish i could draw lovely cartoons. which might say am a rock and island. and the rock feels no pain. i love that song. is there only that much i could hope or do? bad. no really




still have any faith in originality? am losing mine. just by the sheer number of people doing the same bloody thing. just by probability i lost faith in it. i mean if you never read a book at all and just write you can claim to be original. but then by some screwed chance it will match another person from Romania or something. so if we try to read all the famous authors and try to evolve a new style again it is not original. added to the probability factor , it is derived so its fucked. so if we can not be original at all why be?



quick look at my blog index and yes a drastic drop in number of posts. what to do. am closing to avg of 12 hours per day. and to get over it bouts of weed and saraku. till now i was relying on cigarettes to get me through work. but i reached alarming levels of smoking, i mean personally.. sometimes smoking a pack in about 5 hours.. so trying not to smoke. but the this delhi ka mausam is awesum. proper winter. cant resist smoking. still trying. and after three months of buying basic stuff finally this month i have decent money to spend. yay

and to say am struggling to balance my life is an understatement. work takes up the week. week end its you know what. am missing so many arsenal matches. i mean mid week ones. damn. travelling.. footy..photos.. everything out.. i was so exited to go to that jodhpur music festival.. but cash shortage.. so this time when the pushkar fair came up i was like fuck it am making it. 500 rubees budget. enjoyed like hell. packed trains with people sitting on top of train too. winter and night journey and still sitting on train top. damn. and i sat and smoked up with rickshaw wallas in the gurgaon station,which is in a village.i got to go for only a day. but enjoyed a lot. met four faarign photographers. one good jingli. another from my company. other two guys hippie. a sadhu went chillum bana hua hay.. dhum hey thoo  aajao.. the two hippies with me recognised the word chillum and went. so smoked with them too. clicked a lot. roamed a lot. these faarign guys had some pass , so they took me in with them. if not i would have had to shoot some 500 mts away from the procession. thanks to them i was able to shoot as close as it can get. but most of the photos were fucked. reason? over exposure. and thats because I GOT A NEW CAMERA!!!!!!

sabaa. relief. six months ago i was sanctioned money for the camera. too many false dawns. and once i decided to get d5000 and was fishing for a good deal someone said they heard of some rumor about a new nikon camera patented in india. which means cheap. so yeah got original piece with warranty and all with lens for 30k. given the second highest resolution, new awesome sensor and software and first dslr to shoot full hd video.. damn good deal man. since most of you on fb and would have seen the photos no use putting up there. still the jingli who roamed with us.. she reminded me so much of the one piece from prakriti. damn


anyways its been four week ends since i had any rest. first week chennai. second travel back again. then pushkar fair. and the final week we went for team outing to jim corbett. awesum fun. good crowd. drunk absolut walker and bacardi rum all in one night. awesum resort. some 15k suite. lit up swimming pool. did all those adventure stuff. swimming in the river with elephants and smoking and beering..was range..got to know more folks quite well. was nice sitting in the night near the lit up swimming pool , with a bonfire going and chatting our way into the night , nightout and then safari early morning.

and finally my laptop died. for sure. hopefully this month i get to blog more ,travel more, read more, see all arsenal matches, go for few gigs and shoot loads. getting used to the feel of my new camera will take time. but then it would be awesum. the corbett trip pics were much better than the pushkar one. anyways hopefully a good month ahead. some pics from the corbett trip here