why hate hate?

you always wonder, why so much hate. but as you browse through so much news, you realize. without hate, there would be no human spirit. we are just bored of hate from other species. hate from another human, is what i think is the driving force of human spirit. Ego stems from it..without both we would have been bored to death. hate keeps humanity alive and visible.. 



there was once a poor family, who used to make bricks. there was another person who put the bricks together. there was another person who designed a house. there was another person who built it. i do not know any of their names. humanity is dead. that will be all..


life of a hobbit

hobbits are short creatures. they are lazy. they rarely do anything expected. even if they did, no one would let them know. they indulge in farming, where the risks are low and the return minimal, but largely assured. after some time they will have to give up farming. because the farming lands will no longer be the farmers's. they will be controlled by a few wealthy hobbits. so would the hobbits rise up in revolt? no they will simply find another profession where the return is assured and the risk is low. fake education. they were once a formidable race. now forgotten. the big folk are reminded once in a while that hobbits do exist, when once in a century a hobbit does something unexpected in the land of the big folk. no one cares of what the hobbit did in the shire. for the fellow hobbits do not care. the hobbits raise up their head and see that the anamolous hobbit had done something different, their recognition that big folk had recognized you. not that you did something different. then they go back to work. some hobbits who have left the shire often fail outside, for they are unprepared. they have very few people to learn from, and hence the limited knowledge of the world of the big folk.they might turn to new lands and bonded labor to survive for some time, but not for too long... and soon they will perish. the question is will they pretend to be asleep as their lands are burnt by the filthy rich hobbits, or will they raise up for once and face whatever be the end. with the kind of no-knowledge no-fear recklessness they once might have had. it would be sad if they died pretending to be asleep, for the world could have done with the little people's revolution.

often you are mocked for not confining. where you simply do not fit into the hobbit's world. sure, people might celebrate with you if you achieved something, for the achiever is recognized as a hobbit. but nothing more. the government might give them a small piece of land, so that they could go back to their lives. but there is no going back. if they did try to fit in back, they lie and become a lie onto them selves. they lie so that the other hobbits accept them back and tell them they are cool. its kind of scary when even the definition of being cool, is defined by the other hobbits. so where does this leave them? how defying all logic, the hobbits as a group continue on a mind numbingly boring life and try to convince their kids to do so as well. keep your noses clean and no trouble will find you. and i do not like the fact they i noticed all this about my fellow indians, only when i was pushed to the limits of having to do something which is the polar opposite of what i wanted to do? i am one of them.. the confining indian..hey atleast i have an identity..

stop complaining and get on with your life i am told. people hate other people who crib. people hate im-mature people. cribbing can once in a while can incept a revolution, they will throw you away to keep that revolution purely personal and an isolated case. thats how system works to keep itself within itself. to throw they away. to deny them respect and anything else a conformant has access to. very few reach the promise land, yet a billion indians live in the hope of finding the promise land. i guess once you start travelling, you hear stories of the promise land. where there is money and everything else money can buy. what use is money if there is nothing to buy with it? so they keep walking, braving spits of rain, stories of your parents ash in a far away distant land which was once home and they keep walking. that kind of determination to just walk along is amazing. where did we ever find it? how did a billion people convince them selves? and why is believing in something that is believed in by a billion people so hard? thats what my parents asked me. the answer that am an individual doesnt cut ice with them. they say billion individuals believe in it why not you? do you think you are better than all of them? or worse than all of them. no, you are just part of a bell curve, dont look outside it and fall of the cliff and hurt your self. avoid risks. it is kind of maddening, as they never have interfered until now. they never knew that their normal looking children are unaccepted weirdos outside their home. its like when your parents come to visit you in hostel, the other room mates make them believe that their child is normal. the other room mates, like my parents might have believed that i would at some point of time grow tired and simply confine. i did. it was way too easier. and now i see my brother, who said his life ambition was to grow to grow huge forests, but waste land and keep planing and farming. it was heartening to see that an iim was not his answer. all it took him to convert to a conformist, was a facebook interview.

once shouldn't underestimate the conventional system. it has harbored many a brilliant mind. it has awesome comforts like the ability to control your room weather, insulate your self from what is happening out there and a soft warm bed to curl up in. simply, the system offers the best in class luxury with minimal risks. how could you say no to that? i think its very childish to simply pin point the love of money. its much deeper than that. the money is a symbol, like batman. one can keep wondering for their entire life. but what we do with the time given to us? knowing very well that what we do is going to be consequential for most of humanity. most would have never heard of it and wouldnt care what you did. where then do you draw fuel to keep you going? never ever think that you could do anything without expecting reward or recognition. photographers need to share photos on facebook, poets need to blog the poems out.. its only in ayn rand's books that you can see people who do things of genius and do not want recognition. hell even rand formed a society and all that, its that recognition which is the fuel. i have taken in monetary loss for recognition. it feels good and gives the fuel you and your ego need.

and do you need to be really good at something, when the something you do is out side the system. have you ever seen a human who is worse at painting than a five your old kid and still paint for the sheer joy of it. do nothing else. nah that aint possible. so to go out of the conventions it seems necessary to be really good at something. most of the time you keep doubting and loose valuable time that could have been spent discovering things which you are good at. new things.  philosophy and such questions generally bore people. parties and booze interests them. because most of them have gone through such questions and have generally come to the conclusion that its all worthless. gyan bores them. so its the question of the value you place in human life. if its way too valuable to be spent doing nothing or is it so useless than you can do anything and enjoy the time given to us. you are generally given examples who have made it big in fame or money, while being non-conformists. yet again the creame of the creame. how many thousands of aspiring photographers have ended up with studios where they click marriages and shoot smiling people for their passport photo, which they will paste on a passport and fly to usa?

and like the hope of the honeyland, the hope that there is something you will find and is worth doing, keeps me going. its might not exist, but neither does the honey land for 99% of my fellow beings. when you start writing or taking photos, knowing very well that you might suck at it, gives you the license to be boring and crap to others. and it is very important to grab that chance, as it has no risks. i should be able to forgive myself at some point no? else whats the point? trying to confine makes you lie. and you are a fucked up person. you lie to say cool things happen to you. but if you are consistently do that your entire life, its plain simple truth that you dont fit it. why do you want to achieve all that your parents want? to feel a part of a billion strong family. and that is indeed enticing. its kind of surprising when suddenly your parents ask you of one thing, first time ever. you wonder that i had freedom all these years and was allowed to do what i want without question, then you realize that they presumed you already knew that you had to succeed. it did not need telling was their perspective.  and you realize the gap between actual expectation and your idea of expectations is bigger than the original expectation itself. in such time it is charming to be a hobbit.

i moved in with new room mates this may. a nice apartment on the eight floor. booze, booze and poker always available. the apartments around are posh. a lakh a month rent apartment behind ours. roof top swimming pool, flood lit tennis court and hot chicks in both. room mates who have studied in iit and earn triple of what i do. they keep telling me.. run and reduce weight.. shave regularly.. study for cat.. money is the most important thing.. and i cant believe that they actually are convinced by this frame work. they bring girl friends home. i sit and ignore them. its beautiful. and when they talk about marriage and stuff i get up and walk. these are scary things. i still think that am a kid, maturity being the definition of confining with the system. how come you go from living in a bubble, insulating yourself from everything, drawing oxygen from within the bubble.. to a life where you step outside the bubble? how do people just live with another person, for long infinitive years.. waiting to be consumed by death? waatha dei..idhu velaiku aagadhu... need to murder something or someone soon..

free i will be soon


satthumudhu killed me

there are few moments when you realize that a childhood memory still resided in your brain. very very vividly. its almost like you can picture it. they seem to come to you when you are down, or atleast i thought so. but now i know its not. but they do come along when there is kinda sharp feel of pain. low level. but its just so beautiful. its so subtle that you dont know when it was there, but you just know it was there. a clear sign is there. you see it for a moment and its that django line. machi you have my curocity.. now you have my savudhaan.. now you see this word has killed many a young gentlemen in the making.. like me.. you think scount and guides.. army school.. ncc.. army.. kill you fucaackers and shoot your own aapicers.. then disappear into the himalayas..live.. die without anything.. anyways in my case it was my tamizh teacher who put me away from my dream..real hitler.. in tenth standard.. he will teach you 1 mark grammer questions.. three types they came in.. then 3 mark short questions about 5 mark answers.. then you have the essay types.. you have 8 lessons.. and you had just 2 choices given to you.. he used to spend first 5 mins asking people 1 mark questions.. in line.. the whole class.. and if you dint answer.. the guy who finally answers gets to give the kottu on your ucchai thalai.. a knuckle on your head.. man.. you had some real kolaveri pudhicha idiots.. animals.. if its a guy its a hard type.. you had the rajni style where it is sound and pain.. then the kamal type when there is just pain but no noice.. people think that nothing happened..  only those who sat through know the pain.. then there is vijay style.. where its just sound but no pain.. of course ajith style for the girls.. no sound.. no pain.. only routing .. anyways the tamizh sir, yeah hitler.. i started to finally run a bit and have some fun.. i started the long runs.. first time i ran 1500 for the school, i finished second last. this guy came to me and said.. dei iyer.. why dont you eat curd rice and sit in your home and study.. then i went for high jump too the next day.. hitler there.. it was a small confined place.. into sand pit of course.. i surprisingly got through few rounds.. then i found out that they had put the sand on top of a cricket pitch's end. i had my hand literally twisted.. and again he was like thaiyar sadham go sit at home and study.. and he was the ncc sir as well.. and i went the first day morning with the form signed by my appa.. and i heard him shouting.. saavudhaan.. savudhaan.. i let go of my pride and went back home.

so you the subtle sharp pain.. now i kind of understand what one girl once wrote on a blog about cutting herself.. in my case it was quarter cutting.. there it was the red volcano. ready to burst and skew out hot lava. and there i was .. trying to save my ring... my precious.. and as the lava broke through the white mountains.. i dipped my hand into white hot ash.. searching for my ring.. my precious..and as the lava washed through my hand.. and my whole body.. i dint let go of the precious.. i pulled out the ring out from my hot pepper rasam rice.. i threw the fucking ring aside and devoured the sathumudhu rice like an ant eating onr whole particle of rice.. and i remember when we used to sit in mylapore..and amma would serve the vegetable first. then rice.. then ghee.. then a bit of dal.. home made appalams when you are lucky.. and then switches off the stove and brings the boiling rasam to the hall and i pour it into the carefully constructed pit of white mashed rice, shimmering with that thin coating of ghee.. and as it threatens to break the dam.. i mix it together.. and that subtle sharp moment of pain..



last restart?

hello anyone still reading/ writing blogs? or has the new age truly dawned upon us?

been some time. know not how long. strayed out of time.there is nothingness. every where. and the small pleasures of the lesser known things. and am oscillating in between. where have all the people and time gone? how did this ever come to this? why is that life chooses to live on? i always used to think that people figured something out later in the life, that they live on. but now i cant see it. does that mean everyone's just alive and dead? i guess all this might seem stupid, to think of. but the question is always there. insignificance and uselessness i can accept. just not the permanent nature of it.

its maddening when you are suddenly awake after 20 years. cant i just sleep blissfully? you can always point to more desperate and empty lives. compare and feel good. but even that is of no comfort to me. i need something precious. for the first time there is a need. before i could just live on. not any more. you can always stray a little from the path, but keep the destination in mind. or you could stay on the path and pass the destination, keep walking further. but what if you stray and everything is blank?

you know whats maddening? no, not the state of life. but something which just does not let me end my life. i mean simply- i see no point. then ending life should be the logical answer. but i just cant. the last 2 years have been pretty much hazy. i can not re-collect a single incident from the last 2 years! 6 months into the new year and i still write 2011 every where. i dont know the date. i have been home for 7 days in the last 2 years. no person i can remember. honestly, i can remember what i did my last birthday. i cant take this no more. i have tried to hang on to each and everything i can, making it the last straw of life. to hold on. i know it will seem rich, when you have a job that pays for the food and roof. when you can fly home. there are people with no roof. no land. maybe its that sense of survival which is driving them on. i guess survival is default state now.

few years before i would have laughed at a person who would said such things. people scoff when rich footballers moan about something. but how can humanity be valued? how can any object change humanity? that which eggs all life on, without much purpose. its a very difficult task indeed. every day i wake up. and then i sleep. there was once an empty carefree jolly good life. now the simplest of things irritate. every person irritates. how do people ever work them selves out and live on?

when i was in college i used to presume that people eventually figure out something, somehow live on for something. now i see its was utter foolishness. what now? how do you people just wake up, dress up, work and sleep? is it the intricate struggles in between which keeps you going? a bloody knuckle later, it feels as blank as the first sleep.

where is the free gone?



does duality imply a cycle? duality just seems to say that a positive and negative do exist, they are equal and hence shall eventually meet. it does not say what will happen. but cycle means that they may either co-exist equally or super-exist over samples of time. now i dont expect us humans to sit and think consistently what the fuck am i doing here? some are so held over that they dont even stop to consider that such a question might need answers sooner or later? am i free? i mean not as a human. but as an animal am i free? can i walk when ever, to where ever i want? without any askings or tellings? can i just close my eyes and sleep when i want to? can i learn when i want to and waste away when i want to? it seems the answer is yes for most of these basic questions. if i wanted to sleep at 11 in the office, i can. microscopically, yes. but i were to do it for the heck of doing it again and again attempt it, do you expect the same result? all i mean is to do something when i just wanted to do. not do something over and over again to prove that some other thing can be done?

so i do not think about freedom as such often. but collectively, as a society is that what we will eventually ask? it seems inevitable. a society has to go through every emotion atleast once. so i say a revolution will come. they do take time. but they do come. and when it does come, what will govern our freedom? still rules set by another human? a human who sat in a dingy lit room in delhi and imagined what all a human should be allowed to do, say if his life was taken away? how can he feel revenge and emotions? is the present law not too bland? by stating that there has to be a universal law of morality, we our covering the cracks. can we still not accept that another human need not think the same? yes, when we started out we started confining for primal stuff, food..shelter..security.. but now the world is crowded, if you are not accepted here you can move on. why now are we still sedated? why is that we are still largely rooted? i am not talking about continents. i am talking about a few hundred kilo meters.. dont worry, there is always enough time.

but what will happen say, when we start to come to the end of the beginning? am not talking of death and destruction. am talking of a restart as a race. as human. has the impact always to come from outside. i always get a feeling that we as a race are waiting for a jolt from the sky to wake up. till then petty squabbles. are entertainment enough. there is enough time for battling the stars.and when we do restart, will we restart as a society of all? can we ever forget everything we have ever learnt? there was once a time man lived alone. in high warm areas. and low cold areas. and then he began to settle down. and now he doesnt want to move. but he will have to move. and will have to move on for ever. before he can settle down again. freedom awaits then.


i got to go away

all that he had to do was leave. its simple. if one does not find true happiness and love one leaves. of course it is not simple enough. the very idea of love and happiness are vague and scoffed at. if you however do accept such ideas do exist, you need to start looking. thats work. then theres that comfort. of a warm bed. of nicely fried small potatos. the right amount of ghee and spices. a nice mashed up rice and sathumudhu. and you just eat it and curl up in that warm bed. this comes at a cost of course. the illusion of comfort. the glorious land of laziness. where its just easy to swim with the current. just go with the society.  but something tells you all this is not real. you know it is not real. acceptance is the first problem. remembering your acceptance is the second problem. the third problem is the solution to the first two problems of course.

but leave he should. left it all behind. leave for a place that may be some where else. just kept walking. just keep walking. eating from the bin. it is food none the less. eat all you can. forgot that wonderful rasam rice. just eat from the bin. eat to stay alive. eat all you can to stay alive. and keep walking. and keep seeing. there is no point in thinking. in learning. in understanding. in remembering. there is just no reason. they just dont seem to be worth it. you just dont feel like going through the whole civilization. of course this will seem to be a pure rebellion of the perception of life. there is no other way about it. its the way it is. its the reason why 1 was not 0.

he could stay of course. eat that rice. sleep that sleep. go with the society. without knowing why. whats the point of knowing? there is no point. there is no point in anything. in life. in death. there is nothing. but you are not troubled. yes one or twice that occasional pang of guilt. that you dreamed so much. that you are better than this. nope. dont overthink it. just go with it. where ever it is. you never know where. you can step out and get lost out there. or you could lock your self in  a room for 20 years and then find our you are lost again. you could sit and marvel at the fact that there is no one single thing which is absolute, singular.. and its that way all over the universe. like a obscure concept like force. which i feel all the time. which stars are supposed to feel as well. isnt force a bigger mystery than god?

so it comes down to 0 and 1. if he has to stay or go. you can not explain why it has come down to just 2 choices. and there is no reason to choose either of the numbers. you could never choose too. and let it just go. and then die. or you could choose. either way it doesnt matter. the ego in the brain seems to be bigger  than everything else, so it hurts to find out that you are as insignificant as it can be. but i guess you exist none the less. there is no answer. but i will read the problem again and again till the answer is either 0 or 1. like moisture. its either there or not. the same moisture which is the essence of life. without which we were not to be. but we are. i guess thats the ultimate question. why am i here. wherever i am. why am i there?

of course i have searched. within and without. i cant understand of course. but will have to keep looking i guess. till i see a 1 or 0. i somehow do not trust other humans to solve this for me. they might solve it for themselves. but not for me. buddha cant do it. if love was what he preached..well can you preach that? isnt it something natural and what keeps us alive. so how can love be preached? may be it was an old tale that is a religion and a man. maybe he was just another man.

i guess the very essence of it all is to keep looking. not knowing if there is an answer at all. keep searching. till the day the answer is 1 or 0. and then you can jump around and shout that you found it. found the answer. and then die.




a long thin line. no stops. no turns. no corners. just straight. with no end in sight. no other line in sight. a dot or the edge of the sheet should do the trick