last restart?

hello anyone still reading/ writing blogs? or has the new age truly dawned upon us?

been some time. know not how long. strayed out of time.there is nothingness. every where. and the small pleasures of the lesser known things. and am oscillating in between. where have all the people and time gone? how did this ever come to this? why is that life chooses to live on? i always used to think that people figured something out later in the life, that they live on. but now i cant see it. does that mean everyone's just alive and dead? i guess all this might seem stupid, to think of. but the question is always there. insignificance and uselessness i can accept. just not the permanent nature of it.

its maddening when you are suddenly awake after 20 years. cant i just sleep blissfully? you can always point to more desperate and empty lives. compare and feel good. but even that is of no comfort to me. i need something precious. for the first time there is a need. before i could just live on. not any more. you can always stray a little from the path, but keep the destination in mind. or you could stay on the path and pass the destination, keep walking further. but what if you stray and everything is blank?

you know whats maddening? no, not the state of life. but something which just does not let me end my life. i mean simply- i see no point. then ending life should be the logical answer. but i just cant. the last 2 years have been pretty much hazy. i can not re-collect a single incident from the last 2 years! 6 months into the new year and i still write 2011 every where. i dont know the date. i have been home for 7 days in the last 2 years. no person i can remember. honestly, i can remember what i did my last birthday. i cant take this no more. i have tried to hang on to each and everything i can, making it the last straw of life. to hold on. i know it will seem rich, when you have a job that pays for the food and roof. when you can fly home. there are people with no roof. no land. maybe its that sense of survival which is driving them on. i guess survival is default state now.

few years before i would have laughed at a person who would said such things. people scoff when rich footballers moan about something. but how can humanity be valued? how can any object change humanity? that which eggs all life on, without much purpose. its a very difficult task indeed. every day i wake up. and then i sleep. there was once an empty carefree jolly good life. now the simplest of things irritate. every person irritates. how do people ever work them selves out and live on?

when i was in college i used to presume that people eventually figure out something, somehow live on for something. now i see its was utter foolishness. what now? how do you people just wake up, dress up, work and sleep? is it the intricate struggles in between which keeps you going? a bloody knuckle later, it feels as blank as the first sleep.

where is the free gone?


Punvati said...

Why like this da?

Tangled up in blue... said...

Soin, I'm still here! Maybe I'm from the middle ages then. But then, never been much of a New-Ager.

I must admit after reading all this, that I have been feeling a bit rudderless after college but then flinging myself into post-graduation and all this work does help a great deal.

As for whether we're living as against surviving, I suppose I should count myself as fortunate that I have the means to survive plus the means to do something extra to, well, live.

I think the problem is that before college ends, we can get by on the idea of what our life will be like. We have all this potential, we think and we've been told. But then, when life actually starts. It can be a tad underwhelming and yes, routine can be boring because it lulls you to sleep with its sameness.

Personally, I think the only way to get by is to seek out a few moments of beauty each day. I do this with books, music, an occasional play or movie, dance and chocolate.

Then there's what I think is my higher calling. I don't know if I'm content, but I think I am happy. At this moment, it feels alright.

But in the broader sense of the word, I do suppose all our lives or our existences on this third rock from the sun are pretty insignificant in the broader scheme of things.

Then I look at the squirrels running around on my balcony and I realise it's more than enough for them survive, to find a pattern in their life and why must we always presume that just because we're human we deserve more than that?

Sriram Govindarajan said...

Soin thambi! This too, shall pass. Just hold on. You say "insignificance and uselessness i can accept. just not the permanent nature of it." - you truly accept the nothingness, only when you accept the permanent nature of it!

All is nothing. All is free. Free.