i got to go away

all that he had to do was leave. its simple. if one does not find true happiness and love one leaves. of course it is not simple enough. the very idea of love and happiness are vague and scoffed at. if you however do accept such ideas do exist, you need to start looking. thats work. then theres that comfort. of a warm bed. of nicely fried small potatos. the right amount of ghee and spices. a nice mashed up rice and sathumudhu. and you just eat it and curl up in that warm bed. this comes at a cost of course. the illusion of comfort. the glorious land of laziness. where its just easy to swim with the current. just go with the society.  but something tells you all this is not real. you know it is not real. acceptance is the first problem. remembering your acceptance is the second problem. the third problem is the solution to the first two problems of course.

but leave he should. left it all behind. leave for a place that may be some where else. just kept walking. just keep walking. eating from the bin. it is food none the less. eat all you can. forgot that wonderful rasam rice. just eat from the bin. eat to stay alive. eat all you can to stay alive. and keep walking. and keep seeing. there is no point in thinking. in learning. in understanding. in remembering. there is just no reason. they just dont seem to be worth it. you just dont feel like going through the whole civilization. of course this will seem to be a pure rebellion of the perception of life. there is no other way about it. its the way it is. its the reason why 1 was not 0.

he could stay of course. eat that rice. sleep that sleep. go with the society. without knowing why. whats the point of knowing? there is no point. there is no point in anything. in life. in death. there is nothing. but you are not troubled. yes one or twice that occasional pang of guilt. that you dreamed so much. that you are better than this. nope. dont overthink it. just go with it. where ever it is. you never know where. you can step out and get lost out there. or you could lock your self in  a room for 20 years and then find our you are lost again. you could sit and marvel at the fact that there is no one single thing which is absolute, singular.. and its that way all over the universe. like a obscure concept like force. which i feel all the time. which stars are supposed to feel as well. isnt force a bigger mystery than god?

so it comes down to 0 and 1. if he has to stay or go. you can not explain why it has come down to just 2 choices. and there is no reason to choose either of the numbers. you could never choose too. and let it just go. and then die. or you could choose. either way it doesnt matter. the ego in the brain seems to be bigger  than everything else, so it hurts to find out that you are as insignificant as it can be. but i guess you exist none the less. there is no answer. but i will read the problem again and again till the answer is either 0 or 1. like moisture. its either there or not. the same moisture which is the essence of life. without which we were not to be. but we are. i guess thats the ultimate question. why am i here. wherever i am. why am i there?

of course i have searched. within and without. i cant understand of course. but will have to keep looking i guess. till i see a 1 or 0. i somehow do not trust other humans to solve this for me. they might solve it for themselves. but not for me. buddha cant do it. if love was what he preached..well can you preach that? isnt it something natural and what keeps us alive. so how can love be preached? may be it was an old tale that is a religion and a man. maybe he was just another man.

i guess the very essence of it all is to keep looking. not knowing if there is an answer at all. keep searching. till the day the answer is 1 or 0. and then you can jump around and shout that you found it. found the answer. and then die.


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