suicde letter of a chemistry teacher

the thing is i have nothing to say. for i do nothing. for i am nothing. there is no point in writing when there is no doing or thinking. one excuse would have been the spontaneous expression you could have had, but that usually will be a cribbing.

i dont know what to do. simply i do not know. or rather i dont know what i would like to do. its easy to like many thing. for things are generally likeable, am a human. i think i am not able to love a single thing now, because things are changing too fast. what was, is gone. it had to go i know. but not so fast. not like this. i just can not remember what i did two hours back. and i do now know what to do a couple of hours later. its just emptiness.

a simple mind must think that best shot at getting your love back, any love would be a common thing. you just want to feel the love for something. so it chooses money. the most common, easy to get thing. as charlie's grandpa says, they print more everyday. so i went for it. it dint help. now i have to ponder hard. what next to go for. and i have been pondering for too long. never i had to ponder for more than a day. now months later am still here. blank. its infuriating to say the least. and frustrating and depressing at times.

i always use to think growing up was fun. i use to frown at people who claimed they dint want to grow up. you learn a lot. see a lot. but now i fully understand why one should not grow up. its tough in unexpected ways. its the expectations. yours and others. of course nothing gets said. when you a were a boy and all you wanted was a toy. and when you dint get, you get upset for two days and move on. thats what is so wonderous. that you could forgot so many things. so many people. easily. very very easily. but over the years the brain gets trained to retain things.

you see humanity is designed that way. the school teaches me to retain the hellvolhardzelensky reaction. where the cooh bond is opened up by a .. never mind. i was not properly trained. i never used to consider the past. but now when you do not know where to go, you begin to doubt. and you try to remember what had happened. how did you end up here? now when you want a thing, its a thing with high stakes. because you earn the things you wanted before have low risk. low stake. you dont want that do you?

and so i am trying to remember. and what i remember is not good. but that may be because am seeking that moment which started the rot. and every moment you remember seems to be the start of another rot. it may be not. its just the mirage of what would have actually happened. i can never be sure of that either. am just trying desperaretly to pin the responsibility on a event, rather than myself. how easy it would be is a event actually started the rot and not you? how wonderful it would be.

but after months of seeking, i have to concede defeat. its just not there. inspite of my polarized version of my past. and i always knew that you can not start to rot, unless you start to rot from within. and its so hard to accept that. i would guess thats how it is for all. i hope so. i know it is. but if that is the case, had hummanity started to rot from the moment it has bee into life?

1 comment:

Poppy said...

Wow. That's messed up.