The parasite

this was way back. when there was no equilibrium. there was all the vast darkness of the galaxy but no star bright enough to light it up. in the darkest foulest parts of the universe the conditions were slightly different. it was way colder. as a result of which the mass of rocks were different in texture. and seem to be heading towards a perfect equilibrium. one that will let it become porous enough to grow, with enough strength to withstand the weight of the a larger structure. it and grew from a mere small rock to a large porous sphere. and started to fill its porous space with the now smaller and lighter rocks nearby. and it started. to become a bigger ball of lump, without much mass and hence substance, without much purpose - a mere fantasy. and it grew and grew. and developed a tendency to get attracted to objects without need or want. gravity.

and the other rocks started to feel gravity too. they all came to life all of a sudden. and the force spread like a spiders web. and far far away the tinniest of rock couldn't resist the temptation. it started hurling towards the center of the force. no it did not want the other rocks with the force. it wasted the force itself. the source of the force. and without knowing where it was and what it was it kept hurling. and lo, one fine second it felt force like it had never done. and it hurled itself towards the force but through all the time of wandering, from whence it found about the force, the force itself had changed. it had tried to establish an equilibrium with the entire galaxy. and had parted with all its energy to form a single bright star. bright enough to beat the darkness at least.

in the process of establishing equilibrium, it felt the need to experiment. and when evolution decides to experiment, well there is no telling. and had developed parasites. parasites that were to be controlled by the force itself, to maintain the equilibrium. but the parasites evolved. evolved into something of its own, beyond the control of the force. and it latched onto force's force and tried to become stronger. it had latched onto it and created enough heat to melt a single drop of water from the force. and when the force melted into water, there was huge explosion of power that the parasite got decimated. and its smaller pieces latched onto the force, without force knowing.

and life evolved. the force had contrived to establish equilibrium all over the universe, but had contrived to loose itself and let all hell break loose. the smallest bits of parasite had evolved into living walking creatures. creatures beyond any control. the ultimate parasite. not predictable. destructs without need nor want.

after eons of time, since the small rock started a journey with far reaching consequences. it had started evolution as we know today. and after all these years we are soon to be what it once was. to become a bigger ball of lump, without much mass and hence substance, without much purpose - a mere fantasy. mere human.

and soon we will complete the first stage of evolution. the first of the many vicious cycles. where the idea of equilibrium is forgotten. when the universe will go back to that dark, lifeless, spaceless and massless idea. till then we may do what were taught to do. leach on and live. destroy the host and live. kill and destroy without need not want. after all, we are never to blame.

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chuma

the minister was away on vacation. he had just won back his dead king's land, and restored it to its rightful owner- the 18 old year prince. the next day the prince announced- here after no man in this country can posses any money,house or any such physical entity. he shall live poor and all subjects shall be treated equally.

when the minister heard this he rushed back his capital.. king what have you done? the young king smiled. minister, i wanted to create the ideal kingdom ever. by passing this order i shall unite all the people against me. and there shall be an uprising, at the end of which humanity and modern ideas will prevail. when the people rule themselves and shall be equal and happy. i am ready to sacrifice. the minister was quiet for a minute. then he facepalmed and  shouted to the group near by- which idiot got the prince some ganja?

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childhood rymes-

standing under a tree
sound of the scooter's motor
wind and bird, song and shoe
a stack of hay fell on my head

walking down the metro station
mind as blank as my bank balance
a deserted desert,a sudden realization
a stack of hay fell on my head

a cap on my head,a gum in my mouth
chewing and gnawing,sleeping and walking
red lights crossed,stopped at green
grey and hot, black and wet
a stack of hay fell on my head

standing nowhere, looking every where
go where i must? be where i must?
picking up all that hay,dry and dead
where do i stack them and how?
for they are dead and can not be stacked
and a stack of hay fell on my head
and for the first time i heard the sound
the cry of the nest's mother
dead before alive,shell and hay

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still here yes

we used to write here i believe. i dont know if we can count our selves alive just because we are not dead. not just yet. breaking point. yes we have broken it and then we see that the point was just the end of a long thin stick.everything is in 3d these days. even the chart we make for those huge bad ass comapnies. we are broken too. oh yes. just about perfect. there seem to be like ..wait..one rendu muunu..yes three rooms that seem to be all there is. it feels like the center of earth, when the earth is the center of the universe and so on. i once had an idea that if life was confined to a small part of a land, there would much more happiness. or rather lesser things. so these three rooms. some bottles. infact loads. leaves. speakers. beard. and in that process lost what was to be preserved. it doesnt help that there are a grand total of three people that i know here in this shit place. but after drilling to the centre of the my world, which is a plain white waterless abyss.. i might just have to dig a bit deeper to break down to the other side of the world- the heaven. till then we shall keep pressing the end key on the keyboard, instead of using the mouse. we shall wait then, shall we? also write you bad ass people.

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biography of a dead friend

s was a good friend. he was quite normal. maybe he was in self absorbed delusion all the time. but thats normal right?

s was also abnormal. he himself was never sure why he was so. his problem was simple. he just thought too fast. he never knew why. as someone spoke the words he would have already known all possible situations and outcomes. he was quite fast that he used to surprise himself.  as the teacher wrote the problem on board, he would have known the program to key in. this made things ridiculously easy and he was never interested in much things. it made him a bad person. because of his boeing mind, he used to overlook things and let his mind take off to unknown island of thoughts.and imagine a whole new world. so he made mistakes. he foresaw it. but by that time, his mind had shifted to something else- by the time the situation he had thought through became reality, he would have forgotten thinking about it. he would made some obvious mistakes he knew would happen and would have reminded his mind not to make. but now the mind was some where else. he could never concentrate on a single thing at a time. he was a bad person overall.

his fast mind lost him his youth.he had already lived his youth when he five and six. he had never looked or behaved his age. this also made him angry,irritated & frustrated. as a kid he used to do something. when his appa went off to office and his mother had taken a afternoon nap- he would take that day's newspaper and start tearing it into small small pieces. he used to lie every time he made a mistake. because he knew what was going to happen. it made him a bad kid. when his aunt caught him and his cousin with dirty broom sticks, he knew he was in trouble and within a nano second he would cook up a lie and get away. no one got this part about him.years later he lamented this fact. but his parents knew something was wrong. they took him to auroville. there a french doctor took care of him. she was very gentle was able to instill some sort of control over his mind. his teachers there were quite surprised. he knew so much at such a young age. but he could never pass any exam. they tried to teach him yoga to control his mind. dint work. he couldnt keep his mind a clean slate even for a second.

he used to make mistakes. because when he did something he dint think about it. he had already thought about it but it was forgotten. he had a bad bad memory. but alas it was fast. it lost him this one girl who almost understood him. but i couldnt pity him at any point. he used to quarell with anyone around him when he made mistakes. because he was frustrated. he couldnt understand it was human to make mistakes. he was not a human most of the times. he would never listen to you. you would have wanted to share some worry with him. but his mind would have wandered out some where else. i dont know if i can blame him for that. he used to speak a lot because he use to think a lot. and he would speak as he would think.

overall he was a bad friend. when he moved out of a city he used to forget  the city and its people. only ever if he needed something he would remember them. even when he was full of himself he never opened up to anyone. because he was thinking of something else. but there come a stage when he was 10th and no school would take him for 11th. because he never did anything in school. he failed all the exams. but his teachers knew he had learnt what they thought him. eventually some school took him in. there was a good teacher there. he failed her first paper. she somehow understood him. she told himt he will have to take extra classes. he was forced to. but there she never thought him what the cbse wanted her to. she just talked to him. and it helped. for the first time he recognized what he was. he found wonderful friends there. he was changing. and it was bloody difficult. he couldnt control his mind. not yet.

he tunred to the hafflinfgs leaves. even the fulllings. he learnt for the first time he could slow down his mind. just about a bit. he became a chain smoker. people used to scold him for that. but he dint care. he started working and he was for the first time able to concentrate. on a single thing. just for about a minute. but this an improvement right? he still was making mistakes. here too it will take his team guys time to understand him. and by that time he would have moved on and forgotten them. and them him. he used to smoke and one minute after that he would be able to think of just one thing. his mind worked slow and normal. and then that one minute was gone and he was himself again. making mistakes. and then hate himself for that.

yesterday i was drinking with him.for the first time he accepted all this. he lameneted his life. and then he got hit by something heavy moving vehicle. he was hit badly and struggling for life. i knew it. there was so much blood. and i knew his mind would still be thinking about something. it was short circuiting.  suffering. and i knew i should not save him. he had suffered a lot already. like a movie character in a time travel, where he had to die young. because there are always reasons which you can never know about. he might have known. and forgotten. and as he lay bleeding on the NH-8 i left him there and walked back home. a crowd had gathered and he was taken to a hospital. he is just about alive. but i hope with all my heart that he dies. and be in peace at last. for once his mind should have no thoughts in it. just blank. but i have hoped for lot of things for him and it had never happened. i am sure he will be back. i just hope he would have changed by then.

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adapongasaar

wonder how people keep on writing... what a mokkai life that is.. just keep thinking and writing.. or as in most cases, write without thinking. precisely what i am doing.. so let me start with things familiar

the last year or so. never had this unhealthy a life style in these 22 years. and this is because everything feels pointless. a year back i never had any money, and used to travel in general to most of the places. it might been out of choice but still. and today without second thought i book flight to go to chennai. dead feeling only.

but on the bright side-chennai. its been six years i have been away. and it doesnt chance at all. except for one or two one ways in pondy bazar. of course the brilliant kaiyendhi is gone.but i hope the other places are still there. the ratna cafe. rayar cafe. the pakoda shops i go to. the chaat shops. also i havent been home since diwali. and i was given off since they told me i cant take off till september. drrr only.

totally settled with the team,job and all. just not with few things in the company. i know i have been totally interesting til now, but i dint mean to be.

am yes camera. i was wondering why i brought it at all. i dint want to use auto mode and it took me time to use it in manual mode. i was so comfortable with my old point and shoot. but now after a few trips i guess me and the camera understand each other. and now that i can understand the colors, this camera feels much more powerful. especially given my love for low light photos, this camera is now awesome.

close to eight months and i still dont know much people in delhi. so its sort of boring. i mean sit with the same people for 10 hours a day. then week end also roam with them. they are fun and nice. but still it would be nice to go out places in delhi, which you can do only if someone else comes along. worshtu situation.

and this being the first summer in job, it sucks. i want my two months off!! fuckers. and also am loving the quitting cycle that is going on. it happens every summer. no promised promotion blah blah, so they quit just to dive into another shit hole. i feel all the shit holes are same. how is an indian's shit different from a brazillian one? its all shit in the end.

arsenal. sigh. but still love you ma. doesnt matter if we get relegated. just that its frustrating when you guys are so good and still dont do it. its ok i guess.

that would be it. the end of this really interesting microscopic piece on a decaying human life writing in poetic english.

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