rubber

so why where you running?

i dont know

you dont know?

yes

do you sleep walk?

what? no!

well if you dont sleep walk and you dint know what you where doing, then it disturbs me that you were running like that

i was not out of control, i was just jogging

jogging? well that was not jogging

yes it was. all i wanted was some air you see. it was suffocating

suffocating? what in your room?

no, not the room.

i cant understand it.

well you wont be able to

let me get this. there you are running uncontrollably. wild long steps, like you were running away from the demon. then you come and fall here

i never thought i will jump into a yatch

the water?

no! i never intended to jump atll

ok. what do you do?

depends on what you call doing. is writing accounts doing?

so you write accounts?

no i do not. i just wanted to know what your defenition of doing was

well that is doing enough for me. i started with accounts. if you were not running away from the devil, what were you running away fron?

not away,no. to

to what?

things

what things?

well lot of things. things i wanted

and what did you want?

many things

well how many is this many things?

well i dont know

so you were running towards countless things?

no. no not at all. well lets say i wanted about 20 things

20? well 20 is not bad. i would have said 500

i dont know

well how many things have you had till now?

what?

you said you wanted 20 more things. but how many things have you had till now?

well how can you count them?

well you seemed to know

since i opened my eyes i have had many things. they can not be counted

well, you are not making any sense. none at all. you want 20 things that you dont have now. some you might have already had before. and you have had countless other things.

it makes perfect sense,yes

ok. maybe, yes.

how many things have you had? you seem a rich man. i suppose you own this yatch?

well yes i do. and i have had many things too. countless things. but i never needed countless things. all i needed was with me

everything?

yes here just with me

dont you feel lonely at all?

no i have my shadow

there i have switched off the light. are you lonely now?

i suppose

you are not. i am here

well yes,, but i dont own you

so you want to own things? i just wanted to have them

ah. i see. and how do you have things without owning them?

take this money. i had it. but i dont own it

you seem depressed

i am not. all i need is a little air and i will be fine

a drink?

yes. whiskey

i suppose you like to float

we are floating now

-- a bubble pops

suicde letter of a chemistry teacher

the thing is i have nothing to say. for i do nothing. for i am nothing. there is no point in writing when there is no doing or thinking. one excuse would have been the spontaneous expression you could have had, but that usually will be a cribbing.

i dont know what to do. simply i do not know. or rather i dont know what i would like to do. its easy to like many thing. for things are generally likeable, am a human. i think i am not able to love a single thing now, because things are changing too fast. what was, is gone. it had to go i know. but not so fast. not like this. i just can not remember what i did two hours back. and i do now know what to do a couple of hours later. its just emptiness.

a simple mind must think that best shot at getting your love back, any love would be a common thing. you just want to feel the love for something. so it chooses money. the most common, easy to get thing. as charlie's grandpa says, they print more everyday. so i went for it. it dint help. now i have to ponder hard. what next to go for. and i have been pondering for too long. never i had to ponder for more than a day. now months later am still here. blank. its infuriating to say the least. and frustrating and depressing at times.

i always use to think growing up was fun. i use to frown at people who claimed they dint want to grow up. you learn a lot. see a lot. but now i fully understand why one should not grow up. its tough in unexpected ways. its the expectations. yours and others. of course nothing gets said. when you a were a boy and all you wanted was a toy. and when you dint get, you get upset for two days and move on. thats what is so wonderous. that you could forgot so many things. so many people. easily. very very easily. but over the years the brain gets trained to retain things.

you see humanity is designed that way. the school teaches me to retain the hellvolhardzelensky reaction. where the cooh bond is opened up by a .. never mind. i was not properly trained. i never used to consider the past. but now when you do not know where to go, you begin to doubt. and you try to remember what had happened. how did you end up here? now when you want a thing, its a thing with high stakes. because you earn the things you wanted before have low risk. low stake. you dont want that do you?

and so i am trying to remember. and what i remember is not good. but that may be because am seeking that moment which started the rot. and every moment you remember seems to be the start of another rot. it may be not. its just the mirage of what would have actually happened. i can never be sure of that either. am just trying desperaretly to pin the responsibility on a event, rather than myself. how easy it would be is a event actually started the rot and not you? how wonderful it would be.

but after months of seeking, i have to concede defeat. its just not there. inspite of my polarized version of my past. and i always knew that you can not start to rot, unless you start to rot from within. and its so hard to accept that. i would guess thats how it is for all. i hope so. i know it is. but if that is the case, had hummanity started to rot from the moment it has bee into life?